Thursday, January 18, 2007

I am, or I'm Not

So here's what it comes down to. I have this constant debate about what I should do with my life - am I making the best decisions? And I'm not really asking that of or for myself - I'm somewhat obsessed lately with religious aspects that I frankly don't understand. I always wanted to be an animator - now I have the chance, and my grip is weak. It's like I've stopped believing in being what I've always wanted. Does a person only believe and hope for the unattainable? Not that it's a cakewalk, at all, but I'm just saying I have a chance and I'm not quite stepping up to the plate.

Where the religious stuff comes in is complicated. A lot of my life as a child is resurfacing now, and I'm seeing how I was often very involved, spiritually. Nowadays it's difficult to find any time to connect with that side of myself, and that conflicts with my ability to really believe in what I'm doing. I think I need to set aside some time to devote myself to my beliefs, to relearning them and sustaining them, and perhaps then I will be more certain about my choices.

Someone I know just got hired at Dreamworks. I messaged him tonight to ask whether he worked or not through his schooling. Turns out, he didn't. He spent most of his time animating. That doesn't surprise me. What surprises me is my unfathomable drive to attempt working and school at the same time, despite an obvious decline in animation learning and productivity. Somehow I tell myself that the work experience is important and I should keep my job - which I do love, by the way - and it's relevant, good work. It just drains me, though. I get home and I don't have anything left for animation, which is a huge problem. I can't keep saving all my week's work for Saturday... that is killing me.

What about going part time? Or back to freelance? Is being an art director so much more relevant and reputable? Hopefully one of these days I'll figure out the answer to that question. It's going to take more digging, though, that's for sure.

For now I have to keep on truckin'.....

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