It's a week after my birthday, and I know it's just going to be another couple of weeks before Naveen is coming out here to visit, but it occurs to me that this is the longest we've gone without seeing each other since December of 2006 and early 2007, before I moved to Florida. It took me six months to realize I needed to move from Fort Wayne to Full Sail to be with him there. We've been apart again just over four months, and I wonder how much longer I can take. It's different, now that we're married. Much harder to be apart. It certainly isn't the life we were expecting.
Of course, I don't want to paint such a miserable story. This past week I've been fixated on positive thinking, declaring each day that it's going to be a good day, and not just going through the motions but driving an enthusiastic effort. I can say for sure that it has been helping a lot. My productivity improved slightly from last week, and I simply enjoyed this more - this wonderful thing that I get to do for a living. It is so easy to take it for granted when my heart feels at such a loss, but given some focus, I consider myself fortunate still. Even moments ago, when I was thinking about Naveen - through this past week, I've been fighting thoughts of loneliness with intensely positive mantras - but just now, I let one of those thoughts in, and rather than feeling sadness, I started smiling. I started realizing again how very lucky I am to be with him, about how the happiest feeling I've ever experienced is being loved by him and loving him in return.
Lately, the scariest thought I've had is what I would do without him. Now that we're so far apart, and especially due to some recent events, I am constantly fighting the fear that something could happen to him while I'm away. He drove this weekend four hours to see our families in Fort Wayne and spend time with them, and I had to distract myself from thinking anything bad could happen to him while he was on the road. Especially during these moments, I can't stop thinking about how stupid it is for us to be apart. But he has the strength to remind me how stupid it would be if we gave up on what we've been pushing for our whole lives. We know we have the strength to withstand this burden, even in our first year of marriage, when we should be developing our life together. We are determined people.
Hulu.com is one of those places I go to in the evening to keep me company during dinner, etc. One of the movies they posted over Christmas was "The Family Man" starring Nicholas Cage ("Jack") and Tea Leoni ("Kate"). I remember liking it when it came out, but it has quickly been thrusted into my list of favorite films. I had completely forgotten the storyline since I saw it eight years ago. It is somewhat hard for me to watch, because I can easily identify with Jack, who left the love of his life to boost his career but is allowed a glimpse of what his life might have been if he had given it all up to marry his soulmate instead. Now, unlike Jack, I did marry my soulmate, but then I immediately moved out (for a great job) to Union County New Jersey - a bizarre parallel since this is where Jack and Kate live with their two children, Annie and Jack, and I can't tell you how much my head spins when I consider that.
I know a handful of you might have seen the movie, but here's what I would consider the most romantic three minutes in a movie I've seen in a movie in a very long time:
It is the moment when Jack fully realizes exactly what he gave up to pursue a lucrative career in the fast lane. He watches a tape of him singing a favorite song to Kate, "La La Means I Love You" by the Delfonics. It's Kate's birthday, and the thing that means most to her from him is this song - not a diamond ring, or something expensive - just a song, and seeing in his eyes how much he loves her.
I think when I saw this movie in December of 2000, I probably thought, that was a nice idea for a movie. I didn't know it could be real and I could be living it one day.