Yup. That was it. Automatic Mapping. I knew deep down it was a UV issue; I'm just terrible with UVs, which is another way of saying I'm too lazy to really study it at the moment, what with all the animating I'm doing (when I'm not sleeping for 4-6 hours). Oh yeah, and checking Facebook, cooking, or watching lizards on my porch.
So a big shout out to Ryan, who is awesome, and also to other friends (John especially!) who always manage to find time to help others. You guys rock!